David J Salmon “The Coach that Cycles”

.Release Your Grudges

Grudges make you sick. Holding onto grudges stops you completing the business related to them. They hold us back from moving forward to what we really want in life. A large part of my coaching helps clients by working on releasing incomplete business from their lives. The biggest source of incompletion is hanging on grudges towards people who have harmed us. Holding onto a grudge hurts no-one but ourselves though. It is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die.

It is important to release grudges so that we can move forward.

Forgiveness is about us and has nothing to do with the other person. While we hold on to a grudge, we are holding on to that past relationship. Forgiveness brings us freedom from the past. We have to give forgiveness not just to the other person, but also to ourselves for what happened.

A powerful technique to let go a grudge is to write a letter to the other person telling them that you forgive them. It should be hand-written. You don’t have to give it to the other person, but you can if you want. Remember that letting go of the grudge is more about you than it is about them. All the letter is doing is getting that grudge out of your system and releasing it.

 Let go. If you value your relationship with the person, just let the grudge go. Move on. Talk it over once and agree to let it go and not bring it up again. Grudges can eat away at a relationship. Rather let the grudge go and keep the relationship if you value that person at all.

Coaching

Holding a grudge is like putting a wedge between ourselves and the other person. A grudge ties us to the past. While we focus on past hurts we cannot move forward into the future. It’s like having a heavy weight tied round our neck and trying to walk.

Give up the grudge. Letting go of it is the only way to set yourself free and achieve peace of mind. Grudges get us stuck in the past. Forgiveness helps us move forward.

If you value your relationship then you have to release that grudge. Grudges doom a relationship. Open up communication with the person that you hold the grudge against. Talk to them about it and forgive them. Remember to ask for forgiveness yourself in case you did something to contribute to the situation. Agree to forgive each other and to let go of old grudges. Once you’ve done this don’t bring up the grudge again. Let it rest in the past and move forwards.

Quotes

Things that are done, it is needless to speak about . . . things that are past, it is needless to blame. Confucius

Not to be cheered by praise,
Not to be grieved by blame,
But to know thoroughly ones own virtues or powers
Are the characteristics of an excellent man. Saskya Pandita

Love Your Work

We all spend a large part of our lives at work. Unless we love what we do much of that time spent at work is wasted. Our work plays a vital role in our self esteem and general well-being. Our sense of self is bound up in it and so is our quality of life. We have to make sure that we love what we do.

I saw a resume that really impressed me recently. It was the usual format but in addition to the experience, background, education and interests it had a section entitled  “Why I love what I do”. It struck me that this person was clear on why he chose the work that he does.

Another person who impressed me with his love for his work, was a school road crossing warden. He seemed to be mid-forties, tidily dressed and with a wide smile on his face. He talked to the children as he escorted them across the road, laughed with them, at the same time keeping his eye on the traffic and making sure that things kept moving. Here was someone who had taken on ordinary job and made it important, putting his energy into it and from the looks of it loving every minute.  It was inspiring to watch.

Coaching

If you don’t love what you do then change something. Life is too short to let it go by hating every minute of your day. The price on our health and well-being is very high. The unhappiness from work is likely to flow into the rest of your life draining the joy from it and leaving you miserable.

There was a sign over the door at one office I worked in saying” Life is too short to work in a place where you’re not having fun”. I later realised how true that simple motto is. Life goes by quickly enough as it is. If our work doesn’t add to our well-being and enjoyment of life then it isn’t worth doing at all. We need to find something else.

Do you love your work?

Quotes

To love what you do and feel that it matters – how could anything be more fun? Katharine Graham

This life is yours. Take the power to choose what you want to do and do it well. Take the power to love what you want in life and love it honestly. Take the power to walk in the forest and be a part of nature. Take the power to control your own life. No one else can do it for you. Take the power to make your life happy. Susan Polis Schutz

Success is not the key to happiness. Happiness is the key to success. If you love what you are doing, you will be successful. Herman Cain

. Unsuspected Blessings

Some blessings are easy to see: a beautiful spring day, a great new project, a new baby. It is easy to give thanks for those. The wonderful things in our lives inspire gratitude effortlessly. It can be harder to feel thankful for some of life’s hidden blessings.

I once took a corporate job that sounded perfect, but turned out to be a nightmare: a terrible boss, none of the opportunities that had been promised and dull routine daily tasks. When the company was downscaling I jumped at the chance to take redundancy. If that job and boss hadn’t made me so miserable, I would have been less likely to leave the security of a salary and become self-employed. Every time I now think of it I can now be grateful for the hidden blessing in that job, that led me to this fulfilling stage of my career.

A friend of mine was searching for an affordable house in the city. She and her husband could only just afford a mortgage and didn’t have many options. They were shown a rather dingy apartment in bad repair, which seemed to be all they could afford in a reasonably central area. They offered for it and the offer was accepted. A few days later the estate agents called in great agitation and told them there was a problem. In great trepidation they went to meet them. It wasn’t a great apartment, but they couldn’t afford better so they didn’t want to lose it. To their surprise the estate agent took them to an apartment that looked rather different. It was cleaner and had much nicer fittings, plus a better view. It turned out that the estate agents had shown them the wrong flat. That one was already sold. This much nicer one was the one that they had actually bought.

Their resigned decision to buy a shabby flat turned out to be an unsuspecting blessing, as they ended up with a much better one, which became a great investment. Sometimes blessings don’t look like blessings at all.

Coaching

Blessings can be unsuspected. Often the ones which impact most on our lives don’t seem to be blessings at all at first. It often takes time to reveal that it is in fact a blessing.

Now I can remind myself when things don’t seem to be going right, that blessings can often be hidden in the strangest places. I challenge myself to discover the blessing in this seemingly negative situation and know that eventually it will reveal itself.

Quotes

“Our real blessings often appear to us in the shape of pains, losses and disappointments; but let us have patience and we soon shall see them in their proper figures.” Joseph Addison

“There are no mistakes, no coincidences, all events are blessings given to us to learn from.” Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

“When I started counting my blessings, my whole life turned around.” Willie Nelson

‘No’ Gets You Closer To ‘Yes’

When someone tells me ‘No’, I don’t get bothered by it any more. I have learned not to take it personally. The ‘No’ response isn’t saying anything about me. All it tells me is that I must move on to the next opportunity to find a person who does need my services right now. Getting a ‘No’ frees me up to move closer to a ‘Yes’.

When I first started working for myself every ‘No’ I got hurt a little. I took it personally, as a reflection on how good I was. I thought it meant that they didn’t think I knew what I was doing. Now I know that ‘No’ doesn’t mean that at all. A ‘No’ isn’t about us. It is about the other person. It doesn’t mean that they are bad or ignorant. It just means that they don’t need what we are offering right now.

Looking at a ‘No’ as just one step to finding the next ‘Yes’, makes it much easier to take without getting hurt by it.

Coaching

‘No’ says nothing about us. It is just the appropriate response from a person who isn’t in the right space or isn’t able to commit to whatever we are asking from them. It is actually helpful in the long run. It saves us wasting our time on an unlikely prospect and frees us to go looking for the next ‘Yes’. There are plenty of people that have difficulty saying ‘No’, and will without meaning to string people along and waste time. Those who do say ‘No’ when they mean it are actually doing us a favour, saving us time and energy for finding the people who do want our services.

‘No’ moves us nearer to ‘Yes’. Turn it into a numbers game and see how many ‘Nos’ it takes to get a ‘Yes’. Think of each ‘No’ getting you closer to that ‘Yes’ and you’ll even welcome the ‘No’. Use this as a marketing tool and start counting the ‘No’ so that you know how many prospects you need to get a ‘Yes’.

Quotes

“The 10-3-1 ratio means that for every ten calls a salesperson makes, he will only get to make a presentation to three, and if he’s got a good success rate, he’ll make one sale. We need people who won’t shrink from that kind of rejection.” Dennis Tamcsin

“The difference between a successful person and others is not a lack of strength, not a lack of knowledge, but rather a lack of will.” Vince Lombardi

Choose To Be Lucky

Luck is less a matter of random chance than it is a matter of choice. Luck visits people who are ready to make the most of that luck. We can choose to be lucky.

Most of us think that luck is random, but luck comes more often to those who are in the right place. We have to put ourselves in the right place for luck to reach us or we miss out. We are less likely to land a good contract if we sit at home, than if we go out into the world and let people know what we do. When we get that contract is it luck or because we chose to make an opportunity to get lucky? Luck can be created. To create it we have to be willing and open to the possibilities around us and be prepared to work for it.

Sometimes we can be lucky in the things we don’t get. Luck isn’t just about winning the lottery or winning anything else. Sometimes losing things can be lucky. When I lost my corporate job I felt very unlucky, but it turned out to be a lucky break after all. If I hadn’t been made redundant I would never have set up my own business. Sometimes luck is only noticeable in retrospect.

Our thoughts and attitudes play an important role in shaping our luck. When we think that we are a lucky person, we are right. But we are also right when we think that we are unlucky. You can change your luck just by the way you think of yourself. There was a prize draw at an event I attended. The woman I was sitting next to collected a prize nonchalantly and said to me, I’m so lucky, I always win something”. I’d been thinking to myself “I never win prizes at these things”. I decided to change my thinking around this and take a more positive mantra. Now that I think of myself as lucky I win prizes more often and lucky things happen to me. You make your own luck.

Coaching

If you want to get lucky more often in your life then start thinking of yourself as a lucky person. Tell yourself often how lucky you are. Think up a positive affirmation about luck and say it often. Notice all the luck that you already have in your life.

Start writing a luck journal. Every evening write at least one lucky thing that happened that day; even something as small as finding a small coin, or having someone give you a chocolate cookie, or finding just what you wanted in the shops at a discount. Note down that piece of luck in your journal and give thanks for it. You’ll begin to see how lucky you really are already. Noticing your luck is the first step on the way to getting even luckier.

Quotes

“Give luck a chance to happen.” Tom Kite

“Go and wake up your luck.” Persian Proverb

“How can you say luck and chance are the same thing? Chance is the first step you take, luck is what comes afterwards.” Amy Tan

Start Making Ripples

You do make a difference in the world. More often than not we don’t realize what a difference we make, as we don’t see the results of the things we’ve done. Perhaps we have spoken a kind word to a stranger, helped a friend when they needed us or just smiled at someone and cheered them up. Each of these positive actions will have sent ripples out into the world and we never know how far they can spread.

A young woman once approached me and told me that I was her grand-coach. I was completely bewildered and asked what she was talking about. She told me that her coach had been a client of mine and was now mentioning my name in his sessions and using examples that I had given him. I had never met her before, but she felt I was a positive influence in her life because of what I had taught her coach. We can touch far more people than we will ever know with our actions as the ripples spread out.

Coaching

Every one of us makes far more of a difference than we could imagine.  A lot of what we do is multiplied many times by the ripple effect. When we help one person, we are actually helping many more. Our help can inspire that person to help someone else and so one down the line until hundreds of people have been affected.

A while back I was getting a regular coaching e-mail newsletter. I don’t remember subscribing to it, or who wrote it, but it was an element of what inspired my coaching newsletters and blogs. This person started a ripple that has spread out to change my life and that of the readers who are reached by my newsletter. He will never know about it, but the ripples spread further every day.

Quotes

“The sole meaning of life is to serve humanity.” Leo Tolstoy

Act as if what you do makes a difference. It does. William James

Standing Out In a Crowd

A friend of mine loves tiaras. Not just to wear to an occasional ball, but to wear everyday, out shopping or to a restaurant. She confided that it isn’t always easy to wear a tiara in public. People tend to look at you and single you out because you’re different. Wearing something like a tiara or, perhaps for a man something like a trilby or top hat, makes you stand out from the crowd. As we don’t fit in we sometimes make other people feel uncomfortable. Most people want to be individuals, but they want to be different like everybody else. They don’t want to stand out too obviously, My friend said that wearing her tiara in public has taught her a lot about diversity and what it means to be different.

Wearing something that makes you stand out, requires a lot of self-confidence. You have to believe in yourself enough that you don’t care what other people say. You have to be prepared for strange looks or rude comments and sniggers. You have to be secure enough in yourself for that not to matter to you.

You have to be brave to wear a tiara, or even something like a hat that used to be commonplace forty years ago. Most people are too afraid of public opinion to let their individuality really stand out. My tiara-wearing friend said that two ladies followed into the bathroom at a restaurant once, just to ask her why she was wearing a tiara. They thought it must be for a birthday or a hen night or at least a special occasion. When she told them that she just likes wearing it, they were openly admiring of her courage.

Coaching

Wearing a tiara taught my friend so many lessons. She started out doing it for fun, but discovered that it isn’t always much fun standing out from the crowd. It can be uncomfortable. It sets you apart and people can be unkind and even cruel to others who are not like them. The experience underlined how difficult it is to be true to ourselves, when there is so much external pressure on us to conform.

From her experience she learned to accept other people who were different without judging them. She could now openly admire others who were prepared to stand out and be true to themselves, even in ways that she didn’t personally find attractive.

Being who you really are is one of the most difficult things any of us have to do. We need courage and self-esteem to resist peer pressure to fit in. However hiding your self to become one of the crowd is in the end far more painful than the mere discomfort of standing out from the crowd. Celebrate your difference and wear your tiara, trilby, top hat, or whatever it is that expresses your true self, with pride.

Quotes

“Be a first rate version of yourself, not a second rate version of someone else.” Judy Garland, to her daughter, Liza Minelli

“Believe in yourself! Have faith in your abilities! Without a humble but reasonable confidence in your own powers you cannot be successful or happy.” Norman Vincent Peale

“To be nobody-but-yourself — in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else — means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting.” e. e. Cummings

Are You The Person You Are Meant To Be?

There are many movies based around this powerful theme, an ordinary girl or boy discovers who they really are, a princess or a superhero, and has to live up to their full potential. It is the story of all of us in our own lives. We don’t have to be the long lost heir to a throne like in the Princess Diaries to have great potential waiting for us. We all have our true persona just waiting for us to step into it and live life fully.

Many of us live life at a lower level than we are capable of. We might be frightened by our true potential. In the Lion King Simba is told by Mufasa “You are more than you have become” as he slinks around in the wilderness avoiding his destiny. Many of us live in a similar way. We fear stepping into our full potential, as with it comes responsibilities to be more than we now are. It is easier to live life with no-one expecting much of us.

A great speech of Nelson Mandela contains the line “We ask ourselves ‘Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?’ Actually, who are you not to be?”

Some of us go to great trouble to disguise the brilliant and gorgeous person that we really are, as we fear how powerful we could be. It often feels more comfortable just being average than just doing a little bit more to become the person we are meant to be.

Coaching

Just imagine what the world would be like if everyone lived up to their true potential! There is nothing we can do to force others to do so, but we can inspire them by our own example. We can risk being magnificent ourselves in the way we were meant to be, fulfil our potential and just by doing that we can have a ripple effect on the world.

Living up to our potential does take courage. It is challenging to step outside our current comfort zone and risk living life in a bigger way than we ever have.

All of us have special gifts and we are meant to use them. No matter what you do for a living and who you are, you have the power to make a positive impact on the world. There is no-one stopping us but ourselves. And no-one but ourselves can give us the push to reach that potential. We can all be the best most powerful us possible once we risk letting go, and going for it.

Who is the person you are meant to be?

Quotes

“You are born with wings. Why prefer to crawl through life?” Rumi

“Who we are never changes. Who we think we are does.” Mary’s Almanac

“We can not forever hide the truth about ourselves, from ourselves.” John McCain

Schedule Breathing Space Into Your Day

I used to have times when just looking at my calendar stressed me out. I’d look at a week or even just a day that was solid booked with appointments with no breathing space and immediately feel tense and overwhelmed. I decided to stop booking myself up so tightly and now feel a lot more able to cope with days that are just as busy.

The trick is to schedule some breathing space into your day. I allow time between appointments, so that I can catch my breath, without having to rush from one straight into the next. It can be fifteen minutes or even just five, but that breathing space allows me enough space to de-stress and go at a steady pace through the day instead of constantly rushing.

Scheduling your day like this is a way of building stress busters into your day. Whether you use the time to sip a latte, read a book, meditate or talk to a friend on the phone, you are allowing a few minutes of time to relax and connect with yourself again. It takes the rush out of your life, so that you can be aware of living it.

Coaching

Scheduling our day wisely allows breathing space between appointments so that we don’t build up too much stress through the day. When a day is solid booked with no time at all between events to rest, it can become very stressful. Long term this has a negative impact on our health. Breathing space breaks give us a chance to catch up with ourselves and de-stress.

Make sure that you schedule breathing spaces into your day. Get out your schedule for the next few days and check it. Is it so tightly booked that you’ll have no time to breathe in between appointments? Reschedule things until you have at least a few short breaks scheduled into your day. You will do your job better and feel better in yourself when you allow yourself time to relax and de-stress through the day. If you think you can’t afford to take time out then just think of the alternative: enforced rest when your body can no longer take the pace and stress creates genuine ill health. Wise people don’t run their cars on an empty tank, so why try to do it with your physical vehicle?

Does your schedule have breathing space?

Quotes

“I live a day at a time. Each day I look for a kernel of excitement. In the morning I say: “What is my exciting thing for today?” Then, I do the day. Don’t ask me about tomorrow.” Barbara Jordan

“Life is a great and wondrous mystery, and the only thing we know that we have for sure is what is right here right now. Don’t miss it.” Leo Buscaglia

“Make the best of today, for there is no tomorrow until after today.” Liz Strehlow

Whose Ears Can Hear You?

It never fails to surprise me what people are prepared to discuss in public for all to hear. With the advent of the cellphone, we have all got used to having private conversations in public places. We assume that no-one else can hear us as we discuss what to have for dinner, or who is falling out with whom, in a crowded train or bus. However we should not assume that we are completely anonymous when we air our private business for all to hear.

I was once waiting in line at an airline check-in, when I noticed a colleague in the line behind me. Before I could attract his attention, his phone rang and he embarked on a long conversation in a loud clear voice. I couldn’t help overhearing from where I was in the line and started to get quite uncomfortable as he started discussing mutual colleagues in disparaging tones, talking about work situations and plans as if he was alone is his office. I was amazed that he was prepared to discuss quite confidential information in such a public place for all to hear.

Something similar happened in a local restaurant where I was having dinner with a friend. A group of people at the next table were discussing their friends: who was dating whom, others who were getting divorced etc. Names were named and some of them were people we knew ourselves, though we hadn’t realized that they were divorcing.

It really is a small world and we never know if the stranger at the next table knows someone we know. It is far better to be aware that other people may be listening and edit our conversations accordingly in public, or else wait until we are in a private place to discuss any confidential information.

Coaching

We’re human and humans love to talk about each other. However we owe it to ourselves and to our friends and colleagues to keep private business private and not air it in public. Anything you talk about in a public place is no longer private. You never know who might hear.

What ears can hear your conversations every day?

Quotes

“Gossip is nature’s telephone.” Sholom Aleichem

“Gossip is the art of saying nothing in a way that leaves practically nothing unsaid.” Walter Winchell